Food For Thought

Yesterday a lady had come with some problem and wanted my counselling.

First the problem:
Lady is a widow. Has a married daughter who has delivered a baby recently.
Facilities at the lady's home were inadequate for post child birth care.
Lady's mother, a retired pensioner, lives all by herself in a rented house. The mother asked them to move into her house for a couple of months.
It is a custom in India to take care of the mother and child for the initial 3 month period.

Lady said her own mother is not treating her properly ever since they moved into her house temporarily. She is tortured with temper tantrums and has no rest, has to slog the whole day looking after the baby, her weak daughter plus what surprised her the most was her mother who has turned so demanding, rude and has asked them out! Unable to bear this any longer she has started looking for an alternate accommodation for 2 months but decided to come to me for help and advice anyway.

Seemingly these appear to be unconnected but I asked some leading questions and got the answers from the lady as the session progressed.

Q: Who spends, how much and for what.
A: Lady bears half of all household expenses while the other half is passed on to her pensioner mother.
(I said, "Bingo! This is where everything went wrong for you"!!).

Break up should have been 2/3rds of expenses for the lady and her daughter and 1/3rd for the lady's mother and not 50-50 (leaving the new born out of all this).

Q: Who pays the rent?
A: The pensioner mother is paying the rent. I was trying to point this out saying her mother's burden then was more than 50%.

Lady is financially weak, but has a job. Her daughter is also working and must be getting maternal leave with salary. The son-in-law is also earning. Lady has borrowed some money for the delivery and post delivery expenses.

My solution for this problem was as follows:
During such times getting a decent shelter with security is a big deal.
Mother has offered a place to stay which is itself an act of kindness.
If she were to hunt for a house now, she would have to shell out rents plus the caution deposit.
Think over these facts and from today itself refuse to pass on any share in the expenses to your mother. Tell her you love her too much to even think of burdening her with bills.
Express your love and gratitude to your mother for offering help when you and your daughter needed it the most.
By this the elderly person will feel the affection and the atmosphere will turn positive for everyone. No more temper tantrums.
The daughter is watching all this.
Set a good example to your daughter as your own time to face a similar situation is round the corner.
It is through such practical and positive actions that we become role models for our nexgen.

Lady got upset when she heard the solution to this problem.
This is an example of how and why problems crop up.
There is so much joy in giving and doing for our own as well as for others.

Money will come and money will go but pleasant memories, good times, timely help, unconditional love and affection stay on forever. Unfortunately, these are the hardest to come by! That's the whole truth.

Mahalakshmi

'Temper Is Precious, Don't Lose It'

Each one of us is sensitive to sounds that we hear day in and day out.
Most of us can't tolerate high decibels in others.

If people living in houses seldom make loud noises it means they live in a peaceful state of mind. More than that they respect each other very much to take care not to bang doors or make big noises deliberately.

We find much banging of doors, the fridge door, the dropping of vessels and plates from a height to make loud noises. It is like sending out a very nasty message to those living in that house that this person is angry with someone or something. If these occur every now and then it indicates a serious ailment of the mind. If it is done deliberately everyday then someone needs to accompany that person for an urgent check-up.

What does one convey or want to convey through such loud noises?
That they don't like living in that house?
Or they don't like the house?
Or they don't like the others living with them in that house?
By the time they find the reason behind their anger or malady the house would need change of doors, etc., many times over.

This type of behaviour gets to everyone around and in no time all of them will be banging on doors, etc., if only to prove the 'law of action and reaction being equal and opposite' to be 100% right always. So it becomes a habit for everyone at home to bang things and they feel its ok behaviour too. I notice very young kids too indulge in this kind of behaviour.
If one should let out anger then its best to close the door, get hold of two sticks and a pillow to beat upon. Or a punching bag?
The danger is in carrying such behaviour outside one's home, say in the school, college or workplace where such things may not be always tolerated. Its not ok to make loud noises inside and outside homes.

May God give such people enough sense to control their tempers, disappointments and frustrations in a better way. What if all of us did this kind of thing to vent out our anger on each other? We need to be civil to each other. We need to control ourselves. We need to live in a society and among people.
Gandhiji once wrote, 'Temper is precious, don't lose it'.

Cheers!
Mahalakshmi.