Food For Thought

Yesterday a lady had come with some problem and wanted my counselling.

First the problem:
Lady is a widow. Has a married daughter who has delivered a baby recently.
Facilities at the lady's home were inadequate for post child birth care.
Lady's mother, a retired pensioner, lives all by herself in a rented house. The mother asked them to move into her house for a couple of months.
It is a custom in India to take care of the mother and child for the initial 3 month period.

Lady said her own mother is not treating her properly ever since they moved into her house temporarily. She is tortured with temper tantrums and has no rest, has to slog the whole day looking after the baby, her weak daughter plus what surprised her the most was her mother who has turned so demanding, rude and has asked them out! Unable to bear this any longer she has started looking for an alternate accommodation for 2 months but decided to come to me for help and advice anyway.

Seemingly these appear to be unconnected but I asked some leading questions and got the answers from the lady as the session progressed.

Q: Who spends, how much and for what.
A: Lady bears half of all household expenses while the other half is passed on to her pensioner mother.
(I said, "Bingo! This is where everything went wrong for you"!!).

Break up should have been 2/3rds of expenses for the lady and her daughter and 1/3rd for the lady's mother and not 50-50 (leaving the new born out of all this).

Q: Who pays the rent?
A: The pensioner mother is paying the rent. I was trying to point this out saying her mother's burden then was more than 50%.

Lady is financially weak, but has a job. Her daughter is also working and must be getting maternal leave with salary. The son-in-law is also earning. Lady has borrowed some money for the delivery and post delivery expenses.

My solution for this problem was as follows:
During such times getting a decent shelter with security is a big deal.
Mother has offered a place to stay which is itself an act of kindness.
If she were to hunt for a house now, she would have to shell out rents plus the caution deposit.
Think over these facts and from today itself refuse to pass on any share in the expenses to your mother. Tell her you love her too much to even think of burdening her with bills.
Express your love and gratitude to your mother for offering help when you and your daughter needed it the most.
By this the elderly person will feel the affection and the atmosphere will turn positive for everyone. No more temper tantrums.
The daughter is watching all this.
Set a good example to your daughter as your own time to face a similar situation is round the corner.
It is through such practical and positive actions that we become role models for our nexgen.

Lady got upset when she heard the solution to this problem.
This is an example of how and why problems crop up.
There is so much joy in giving and doing for our own as well as for others.

Money will come and money will go but pleasant memories, good times, timely help, unconditional love and affection stay on forever. Unfortunately, these are the hardest to come by! That's the whole truth.

Mahalakshmi