Marriages Are Made On Earth!

Dear Friends,

Yesterday my cousin conveyed the happy news of our nephew's daughter selecting her own life partner and of plans to get married to him this year end.

India is a land of different castes, caste within caste, of sub-castes! These things come into play in most Indian families when its time to look for marriage alliances.

With the information explosion, the IT sector booming and many going abroad, are factors which are responsible for our minds thinking progressively and accepting people from other castes and nationalities often into the family fold as brides for sons and grooms for daughters.

The trend is largely seen in youth who go abroad for studies, and/or settle down for work there itself. They take a lot of decisions on a day to day basis, make mistakes, rectify them through experience, they get a chance to mingle with different people who also may have come from some other country to study at a foreign university. The liking part comes when one finds another person useful or sympathetic, understanding, helping out in times of distress or crisis such as ill-health, financial problems, helping get the other a job, etc. There's a good impression formed due to a caring attitude which perhaps grows into love at a later stage to prompt marrying that person.

What a far cry from the process of selecting a groom or a bride even 10 years back from now! Then there is this business of exchanging horoscopes and matching them to see if the couple will be happy after marriage, have children, accumulate wealth, be healthy, etc. Slowly these things are taking a back seat. But horoscopes are never forgotten that easily. It is revived when one faces a turmoil from within and without at a later stage.

In a way it is good for one to select one's life partner if one comes across a suitable person who also reciprocates similar feelings for the other.

Many parents are still struggling to cope with this sudden change in countries like India which is yet to go a long way in this aspect. Many are not able to accept it fully. It will take more time. It will take mind sets to change to accept this new phenomenon. We have no clue that our children will decide for themselves. We left it to our elders to select our life partners through the usual search in the conventional way in the past and it is difficult for us to imagine that our kids will want to decide for themselves in this major area of life and living.

With internet and info boom youngsters have the advantage of seeing a prospective partner with the click of a few keys. And there are so many sites which facilitate such interactions.

Finally we should be happy if they are happy as a couple. They have their lives to live and we ours. Live and let live. We should cultivate hobbies for our old age where we keep ourselves busy with not much time for worries or complaints. I had the fortune to meet a wise and elderly woman in the neighbourhood recently. She summed it all up saying she has taken care of her children on her own without leaving them in anyone's house or under anyone's care. When they got married she visited them for some time but made it clear that they should take care of their children on their own as she herself did for her own. Though a strong opinion yet this works out in the long run to everyone's advantage. This way decisions are not forced by anyone on anyone. It is the dependance on someone which could make matters worse for all concerned (which was never taken as an interference in the past). These are days of so much tension for everything that even a small bit of advice or comment could rip the family apart with no peace for anyone. Make your own choices, make your own decisions but the wise kid is the one who talks to his or her elders and absorbs information which comes through experience and avoiding the avoidable pitfalls. Respect elders. Listen to their well-meaning advice. Live your life but keep the family informed of any important matters as we are humans and need to help each other during crisis times. Being balanced in interacting with people helps a lot. When one is happy one needs no one, when one goes through a crisis one needs people to share and comfort.

The family should meet often and spend time with each other as often as possible but living permanantly with children and their spouses should be restricted. The seems to be the brand new trend in modern times.

I am still the same old-fashioned person. I still have my own mom living with me for years together now. The thought of her living in 'home for the aged' brings tears to my eyes. She too has been very adjusting and I and my husband too have been adjusting. It is the intolerance which is the seed for all disagreements in all kinds of relationships. Beginning with the intolerance for family members, intolerance for neighbours, intolerance for other caste people around us, intolerance for those who are less wealthy than us, the list can go on and on..

If we realise that we have rented our bodies for some time and that shall turn to ashes soon will make us tread the path of tolerance for others.

If we learn to accept and tolerate a few things in life, it would be so easy to live and enjoy our lives to the fullest.

In conclusion, I am glad my nephew agreed to the alliance and did not stand in the way of his daughter's marriage plans with a non-brahmin boy. This is what is tolerance all about.

Cheers!
Mahalakshmi